The Letter That Should’ve Been Sent to Santa


Dear Mr. Claus,

I hope this letter gets to you in time, being such a crazy season for all, as you’re well aware. I just wanted to make a wee special request, and would appreciate your accommodation in what might be deemed as being unconventional.

You see, we have just had our roof done this year, and so, if you don’t mind parking the sleigh and deer in the driveway –we’ll move the car to make space –or, even just on the street out front (ours is a dead end and surely in the middle of the night there’s no traffic, though that doesn’t account for the loud neighbours, the weekend partyers who chat amongst their throng at four in the morning, those mongrels), we would truly be tickled pink. Lest I forget that the rooftop can be saved from (whispers) deer droppings, or there being hoof indentations on the new shingles, or how the shingles might shift from all that weight, *ahem* theirs, not yours, kind sir.

Seeing as you’ll be parking out front, and saving our roof from possible damage causing leaks (a constant concern for those residing in a rainforest-like region), we also kindly ask that a more modern method of entry be used. Our chimney is probably in good condition, and surely with your magic, landing safely isn’t a concern, but a descent down the chimney into the living room makes for an ashen mess. Most years, this is not even an issue at all, but I’ve noticed the last three or four, I’ve had to do more than grab the dust-buster, so if you wouldn’t mind saving us the cleaning hassle, especially on a day I’d rather not be dealing with the residual dust (surely, Mrs. Claus empathizes), we will gladly receive you at the front door.

I’ve cc’d your Department of Seasonal Regional Residential Affairs, but thought a direct personal address would more propitious. If you have any concerns about the issues raised, please don’t hesitate to contact me. My email is below.

Thank you in advance in helping make our Christmas a clean and repair-free holiday. Best of the season to you!

Yours, in kindest regards,



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